Just between us is when we get together once a month or so and say the things that you think but don’t really say. Or you do say, but only to certain people. I’ll go first, then you share in the comments and everyone will feel a whole lot better.
Just between us…
1. I cannot reconcile the fact that scrunchies are back in fashion. I used to make scrunchies in my grade 9 sewing class. Which I failed, by the way. I know how to sew but the teacher didn’t like me.
Want proof? One time I was sewing a shirt with a collar. One class she came by and said, “Those pins are all wrong.” And then took out my pins and re-did them herself.
The next class she walked by me and said, “Those pins are all wrong.” And I looked at her and said, “But you did those last class.” So then she said, “Oh. Well then they’re right.”
In the end she gave me an F in sewing class. An F! For a kid who showed up to every class and did every assignment. Anyways, now I hate scrunchies.
2. Here’s another story from my youth I think you’ll appreciate:
When I was, I don’t know, maybe 10 years old my friend Cheryl and I decided that we wanted to breed hamsters. Yes, we were that cool.
Somehow we convinced Chery’s dad to custom-build us a special hamster cage that we designed, which was made out of wood and had two sections – one for the boy hamster and one for the girl hamster – but with a plexiglass wall in the middle so they could see each other. You know, to get in the mood.
The hamster duplex of love ended up at my house (I was a pretty bossy kid, so that’s not so surprising) and we went out and bought two hamsters, a boy and a girl. Every once in a while we’d take the hamsters out of their cage and put them on the arts and craft table in our basement and cheer on the boy hamster as he attempted to do his business.
We’d yell “Go Jeff, go!” over and over until the lady hamster (whose name I do not remember) would inevitably get sick of his shenanigans and turn around and beat the shit out of him. My dad told me later that he found this especially disturbing because his father’s name was Geoff.
I think we went through three or four Jeff’s, all of whom succumbed to some mysterious hamster illness, and then we got our golden ticket. But it wasn’t during any of their tabletop adventures that the magic happened; we got home from a weekend away to find the hamsters together in one side of their duplex. I guess one of them had gotten horny enough to chew a hole through the wall when the time was right, and ta-da! We had a pregnant hamster.
In the end I think we had 5-ish hamster babies, all of which we gave away, and that was the end of my illustrious career as Hamster Queen. Maybe Netflix wants to tell *my* story?
3. Since we’re on the subject of weird childhood memories, I should perhaps tell you about the time I took a human placenta for show and tell?
I was in grade six and we were studying the human reproductive system. My mom was a family doctor who also had an obstetrics practice, and as she was leaving one night to deliver a baby I casually asked her if she could bring the placenta home so I could take it to school.
You guys, she did.
I seriously cannot believe she didn’t just shut me down. Nope. Instead she did her important doctor work, brought a beautiful new life into the world, and then (with the patient’s consent) drove home with a placenta in the passenger seat.
She brought it to my classroom in a roasting pan and held it up for all the kids to see, pointing out various parts and whatnot. Then, took it home, buried it in the back yard, and cooked a roast for dinner.
I tell ya, my childhood was weird.
4. I’ve been thinking a lot about my childhood lately (obviously) because I can’t believe my parents had four kids. I’m so tapped out with two kids that I can’t believe anyone willingly has more than that, and my parents had four.
They must think that my siblings and I, each of whom has 1-2 kids, are such lightweights.
5. I’ve had this feeling for ages like I’ve got a thick bit of phlegm at the back of my throat that I just can’t swallow. A couple of months ago I realized that it isn’t phlegm, it’s my uvula. I have been trying, and trying, and trying to swallow my own uvula.
Is this normal? Does anyone else have this? I swear, when the dust settles on the shit storm we’re currently in, I’m going to look into having a uvula resection.